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27 août EscapeTomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I get to escape for a week. True, I'm going to a conference, but I'm going to be away from here-away from my stress.
Today, my husband griped that I was being all "secretive" about my trip-that he didn't know what was going on, who I was going with, etc. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander-when he took the kids back East for 2 1/2 weeks and when he went on one of his hunting trips, he didn't bother telling me what was going on. The only way I knew what was sort of going on was overhearing him talk on the telephone with his parents. (He talks very loudly on the phone-you can hear him all over the house-drives me crazy, especially if I'm trying to watch something on TV.) Seeing as I'm the only one going on this trip, I don't have anyone to "talk it over".
When we are both home at the same time, we don't talk much. It's hard to get a word in edge-wise when he's constantly on the phone or lecturing the kids. I don't necessarily want to talk to him, either. My stress level hits the red zone when I'm alone with him-the only time I feel normal is when I'm home alone or at work. (And I have a VERY stressful job-this home situation is making my work stress seem like a cakewalk.)
A bed all to myself, a desert at my feet, and in-room movies-what more could a girl ask for? 2 août Still SeethingMy husband is about to push me over the edge. And from what I hear, the bottom of the chasm isn't lined with cushy pillows or trampolines.
I work-full-time. I am the primary bread-winner in the family (and the primary house caretaker as well). My husband works part-time at several jobs, and is supposed to be a "house-husband", but it becoming more and more apparent that what he is is a "golf/hunting husband" who works whenever it's convenient for him.
The boss at one of his jobs asked him to come and work full time on a temporary basis, and my husband is eager to do that. I don't mind if he works more-it keeps him from being underfoot and us from arguing. Here's what I do mind-my husband is asking my boss to work my schedule around his.
I'm sorry, but this makes me very angry. He shouldn't be approaching my boss and asking anything of him, let alone to shift around my schedule to accomodate his. If anything, my husband should tell his boss that he would like to work the full-time hours, but it would have to be around MY schedule. And my husband isn't taking into account that I want to ask my boss for certain shifts off so that I can participate in the community orchestra-my island of sanity in this crazy world.
When my husband called to tell me about this, he asked me if I minded that he contact my boss (who he is friends with) and make this scheduling request. I told him that I didn't want him to talk to my boss, that I didn't feel comfortable with him doing that, and that he should ask his own boss to be the flexible one. (This isn't the first time my husband has badgered my boss about my schedule-he's always asking him to let me have this day, that weekend, this night off so he can go out of town and go hunting/golfing/visit his family- and each time, this p***es me off.) The conversation basically ended with my husband saying that he was calling to TELL me what he was going to do, not to ask for permission.
This happened two days ago, and I am still so mad I could spit. I'm too angry to even talk to him on the phone-not that he would listen. (He's on vacation to visit his/my family. I'm at home-I have to work so I couldn't go on the trip with the rest of the family.) (If you haven't already guessed, my schedule isn't the most flexible thing in the universe.)
I feel the need for retail therapy coming over me...... 22 juillet Girl FightingSometimes, I wish my mother-in-law would just come right out and say it- "I don't think you are right for my son, you don't fit in with our family unit, and you're a selfish bitch." While harsh (and unfortunately true), a good knock-down drag-out fight would be much more palatable than the sugar-coated venom.
After all, it's fun to yell at people-to just get in their faces and really argue something out. In fact, I wouldn't know my brother if the two of us weren't having some sort of verbal Battle Royale. My brother and I, we know exactly where each of us stands. There's none of this catty, back-stabbing, girl-fighting going on. We are both VERY verbal about our opinions and don't care who hears us. (Thank goodness my brother is the only person I know who swears more than I do, otherwise, my nephews would have been traumatized by the blue language flowing between us.)
But my mother-in-law, she's from the generation of the passive-aggressive housewife. She will never get into an argument and if you disagree with her, she calmly explains to you why you are wrong and she, of course, is right. She's like a stealth missile- you don't know you're under attack until you are blown up.
Today's case in point. My brother-in-law is competing in a prestigious race this weekend, so my MIL sent special tee shirts to us-overnight mail-so we could wear them on race day to support my BIL in spirit. My husband's and kids' shirts are nice-they have his number on them and some special handmade appliques. My shirt is plain red-and it's dirty. My MIL told my husband that she sent along a shirt so I wouldn't feel "left out". I think it shows exactly what she subconsciously feels about me. I would rather have not gotten a shirt at all-after all- I wouldn't wear it anyway. I think what really gets to me is the fact that the shirt isn't clean-it's got some kind of schmutz dried on the front of it. (This is probably revenge for the time she took a picture of me doing yoga with my nephew-when she got the picture back she discovered I was flipping her off. I asked her to not take my picture while I was exercising, but she wouldn't honor that request, so I thought if I performed an obscene gesture, she wouldn't take the picture. Slight miscalculation on my part....)
Sorry-my MIL tends to get under my skin-as you've probably already guessed-and I have to drain this emotional abscess before I say or do something that I'll never be able to apologize for.
Thank God for the Internet...... 10 juillet The Equality of HouseworkHow come husbands always overestimate how much they do around the house? My husband is convinced that he does at least half of the housework around here, but really, he does much less than that.
He tends to go in cleaning spurts. He won't do much of anything for three or four days, and then he realizes that I'm going to be off the next day, so he does all the chores he neglected during that one day. He usually waits until the day before my day off to get busy-he knows I get very angry when I have a day off and I spend the entire day doing all the chores he hasn't gotten around to yet.
I'll come home, he'll be sitting on the couch in his underwear, and I'll ask him what he did all day. "Nothing much," is his usual answer. "Went golfing." "Took the kids to the pool." "I didn't feel like doing much today-I'll get to everything done tomorrow." "There wasn't anything that needed to be done around the house." (All us females know THAT is a lie.)
Then I'll ask the grand question- "What's for dinner?"
" I lost track of time. I can whip something up." " I didn't feel like cooking, so I ordered pizza for dinner." "I took the girls to Golden Corral to eat because they had a softball game." Rarely do I come home to an actual cooked meal.
In fact, I know when he's starting to feel a bit guilty about things, because I'll get hot dinners for about 4 days in a row, and then it will be hit and miss for another month or so. But if you were to ask him, he'd tell you that he cooks dinner "all the time."
Usually when I get home from work, I take out the recyclables that have been sitting on the counter since I left that morning, and then I empty the dishwasher while I make myself some dinner. After I eat, I load up the dishwasher and run it, and take out the trash if the can's looking a little full. Meanwhile, the slug is watching television or talking on the phone, apparently oblivious to all that I've been doing in the kitchen.
I hate it when he does go on a cleaning rampage, because he expects me to be just as gung-ho about cleaning as he is. He'll hand me stacks of papers that he wants me to "do something" with, right then and there, regardless of what I may be doing. He'll want me to drop everything so I can help him clean out the cupboards or go through the seasonal clothes or do something with all my books. Where was all this energy yesterday when there was laundry to be done? 27 juin Soul MatesI am in awe of those people who claim to have found their soul mates. And I want to know how they did it.
I am still looking for my soul mate-that person who magically completes me and I complete him. If I do have one out there, is he still seeking me out, or has he given up and lapsed into complacency with Mrs. Almost-Right?
I spent 29 years looking for him, and seeing how he was a no-show, I panicked and settled. I'm tired of settling, and I am on the prowl for my soul mate again.
When I was younger and dateless, I would say that my soul mate was killed in a car accident when he was six, thus explaining my hopelessly single status. I'm beginning to think that perhaps I was right back then. My soul mate has been removed from the population of the earth.
Well, I really hope that wasn't the case. I want to be with someone who gets me without having to be told what makes me tick. I want that sizzle, that magic, that Hollywood movie ending.
After all, we all can dream-can't we? 16 juin House Reflects LifeMy house is reflecting my life-it, too, is falling apart.
This morning, the toilet clogged up and overflowed, the dishwasher overflowed, the refrigerator can't keep anything cold, and the roof is leaking-right over the freaking television.
This house is my life. Everything is going wrong with my life and it's all manifesting itself all at once.
At least it's raining- I do love the rain. Back East, it rained all the time-from March until October when the rain turned to snow. Three and four thunderstorms a week was no big deal-around here three or four thunderstorms a year is about the norm. I could never live in the desert-I'm scarcely thriving out here in the Dust Bowl.
There's this movie "Life as a House"- it made some very solid comparisons between the building of a house and the building of a life. The foundation of my house is crumbling and threatening to wash away-is it any wonder my life is, too? 7 juin The King of Bad TimingMy husband is the ultimate king of bad timing. I don't know how he manages it, but it's beginning to annoy the hell out of me.
I'll put in a movie, and during the previews, he's quiet as can be. The second the actual movie starts, he wants to have a conversation-and he's usually saying something that I need to pay attention to. I stop the movie, totally annoyed that he couldn't have started talking during the previews or before I put in the movie. He says his speel, I think it's safe to continue with the movie, and two minutes later, he wants to talk some more. My only hope is that someone will call him on the phone and his attention will be diverted for a half hour or so. Unfortunately, if he gets a phone call, he sits in the same room and chats away, and his voice is loud enough to cover up any movie dialogue.
I save my slightly smutty foreign films for when he's away at work or when I think he's safely in bed for the night. (I don't want him getting any ideas from the movies-sex is about the last thing I want from him.) Just when the gorgeous male lead is about to get naked and/or have steamy sex, my husband will waddle out into the living room, fix himself a bowl of cereal, and plop down on the couch. About the time when the sexy actor puts his clothes back on, my husband will scratch his stomach and pad back to the bedroom and fall asleep. You may think I'm exaggerating, but he does this so often that it's eerie.
When I'm exhausted, and I really want-really need to go to sleep, he'll either start asking for sex or he'll start a conversation/argument that will totally ruin my ability to sleep. I am an insomniac, and if I miss my little window of drowsiness, I won't be able to sleep at all.
The other day, I had just turned in for my afternoon sleep (I do shift work), and he started in on me. Why didn't I tell him about the party at the lake? Did I just put it on the calendar to drive him nuts? He wasn't sure he even wanted me to go to this party, etc, etc. Thing was, I had told him about the get-together several weeks ago when I asked him about his work schedule. I had told him about a friend inviting me out to spend time on her boat. (She knows what I've been going through and is my port in the relationship storm.) My husband claimed that he didn't remember having that conversation with me and then said that he didn't know why things weren't getting better between us because he was doing more of the housework. And then he left me to try and go to sleep. Thanks a lot, honey. 3 mai Dating your husbandMy husband wants to go out on a "date" with me. I'm not looking forward to this. He thinks if we go out for dinner and a movie, we will "rekindle" our love and things will be wonderful again.
I'm having a hard time sitting in the same room with him, just watching TV, let alone locked up in a darkened theater sitting right beside him. At home, we have our chaperones, the kids, who keep me from saying the mean, nasty things that are bubbling up inside me. I afraid that if we were to have time together, unchaperoned, I may completely lose it.
He's been on his best behavior, I'll give him that. He's actually been doing a bigger share of the housework and making dinner on a more regular basis. But I've been living with him for 13 years now-I know his habits, his quirks. He's usually good about changing his ways for a short time, but slowly he drifts back to his old habits.
When he decided he was going to lose weight, he went to the gym for about a week and ate salads for lunch. Then he would skip a day of working out to go play golf or because he was feeling tired. Instead of salads, an occasional McDonald's bag would appear in the trash and the Girl Scout cookies started disappearing at a faster rate. Within 2 weeks, he was back to his terrible eating habits and claiming that his frequent golfing counted as exercise.
I give it three weeks before he's back to letting the dishes, garbage and laundry pile up. After all, it's getting nice outside and he's going to be "working" outside, and that will just have to take precidence over the housework.
I guess you could say I'm just fed up with it all, and I don't know how a "date" is going to fix the problems in our relationship. I would prefer honesty-I would like to let the kids know that things aren't going well between us instead of having to pretend around them that everything is fine and dandy. And I don't think it's a bad thing that other people know that we're having problems. When I told my friends at work that I was having troubles, they have been nothing but supportive and I am feeling more connected with them than ever before.
I guess there is no way to ease out of a relationship, is there? 20 avril Session 1Had our first couple counseling session today. There was no blood drawn-which is a good thing, but I don't think we made much headway. But it was only the first session.
My husband still claims he had no idea that I was so unhappy with the marriage and really doesn't understand why I'm so dissatisfied. He told the therapist that I'm "under a lot of stress at work" and that's what he thinks is at the root of my unhappiness.
I flat out told him that I was tired of working two full-time jobs. I am tired of earning the money that pays the bills and doing the lion's share of the housework. (Actually, we are very much like lions. The lioness does all the hunting while the male lies on a rock and suns himself, and when she's made a kill, he's the first one at the dinner table.) My husband said that he's got a lot of outdoor projects going and that when he's working outside, he's going to need help keeping the inside of the house in line. He says he'll get to the housework when he gets to it-that it will get done. I interjected that the housework gets done because I'm the one who ends up doing it.
He doesn't know it, but I've been keeping a log these past few months of who does what in this family-who makes dinner, takes out the trash, does the laundry, etc, etc. About the only duty we share fifty-fifty is taking the kids to and from school. The only thing he does more than I do is mow the grass (I don't do lawn-mowers-it's against my religion.) I do about 75% of all the other work chores in the house-I'm tired of it.
Perhaps I should go on strike-refuse to do all the stuff that I've been doing. I don't think I could go through with it though-I'm too anal retentive to allow the dishes to sit in the sink until they stink, and I don't relish the thought of running out of underwear because somebody hasn't gotten around to doing the laundry. 15 avril Countdown to doomNext week, it's official-the start of "couples' counseling". I'm looking forward to this about as much as I look forward to dinner meetings with the big bosses. ( I realize most people would have substituted "dentist" for "dinner meetings" but I don't mind going to the dentist-at the dentist, I get anesthesia.)
It all boils down to this- I want out, my husband wants me to "hurry up and get over this so we can get back to normal."
 You don't have to be a psychic to know that this couples' counseling may not go well. I've been against couples' counseling from the beginning- I've been trying to get my own head on straight before I bring anyone else along for a therapy session. I must say this- I like my counselor-he doesn't try to shame me into "working on the relationship". He's encouraging me to find this new life that I've been wanting for myself, and doesn't make me feel like a selfish bitch for wanting it (unlike my friends and family).
I think that has been the hardest part about me wanting to leave this relationship- no emotional support. My best friend is horrified that I want to leave, and has been calling me selfish and self-centered and implying that I'm being a horrible mother to put my children through this emotional turmoil. On some level, she's right, this is a selfish act- but why should I be a second-class citizen in my own life and always bend to the wants and wishes of everyone else? When is it my turn to get something that I want?
I can't talk about a lot of this with my work friends-this place is the ultimate rumor mill-so I have to censor what I say/what I feel. In some ways, it was easier to fake being happy with my relationship!
What do I want to get out of couples' counseling? I want my husband to get a clue that things really aren't working out and things have been bad and festering under the verneer of happiness we've been projecting. If he can accept that things can't continue as they have been, then we can work on where we go from here and how we can be a separated, but stable family. 13 avril If I vent any more, I'd be a whiffle-ball!I has become apparent to me that my husband has a strange malady called "Housework Blindness." The symptoms are as follows:
The sufferer, usually male, can live in a messy house for an indeterminate amount of time and not realize that there are chores to be done. The patient can be often heard saying things like "Is there anything around the house that needs doing, honey?" as he stands in a kitchen where the trash is overflowing, food encrusted dishes are piled a mile high in the sink, and the dog has yet again tracked mud onto the linoleum, or " I was going to get to that later, dear," as the significant other starts the fifth load of laundry of the day, laundry that had been sitting in baskets for nearly a week waiting to be washed, or "It's a really nice day today. Okay if I play golf? You'll have to pick up the kids from school, take them to dance class and make dinner, but that will be all right, won't it?" When the significant other points out the various tasks that need doing, the patient will often start a minor job, become side tracked, and spend the rest of the day running back and forth to Home Depot, before declaring it's too hot to work outside any more and goes golfing instead, keeping cool by drinking many ice-cold beers. If the significant other becomes more insistant on curing the patient's housework blindness, the significant other is called a "nag" or "bitch" or "over-bearing" or "too uptight." Because the patient is feeling considerable stress over his current condition, he attempts to self-medicate himself by playing more golf, or, if the weather's bad, going bowling.
Doctors have tried many treatment plans to cure Housework Blindness, but none have been particularly effective. Doctors have found that it is easier to treat the patient's significant other- vodka, affairs, and divorce are most frequently prescribed.
Personally, I prefer Goldschlager and Footballers' Wives. 9 avril What's in the best interest of the kidsPeople always say that they're staying together for the sake of the children. Is this necessarily a good thing? If I stay in a bad marriage just because of the children, what lessons am I teaching them? As a mother, my feelings/wants/needs don't count? That everyone else will always come before me? That a life unsatisfied will just have to be good enough? These aren't lessons I want my children to learn.
If I stay, I will have to put up with a man who wants to infiltrate every part of my life so that nothing I do, nothing I have will be entirely mine. I will have to give up on the chance of ever having satisfying sex. I will continue to have 2 full time jobs as my husband's leisure activities precludes helping out around the house in any substantial way. I will have to burn my copy of Anna Karenina because she makes throwing oneself in front of a train seem like an attractive option.
If I stay, my mental health will suffer. Do I really want to raise my children as a depressed, unfulfilled mom? Do I want my kids to have a mom who is so wrapped up in her own sorrow that she cannot function?
If I leave, my children's hearts will be broken-they can't comprehend a life without both a mother and father under one roof.
If I leave, I know it will be rough going, but it will be life on my terms. I will have the opportunity to create the life I want for myself, and I can't do it in my current situation. I have tried for 5 years to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, and all I have to show for it are some mangled pig ears.
I think my children will benefit from having a mother who is happy, who is strong.
Then again, that's just my opinion. |
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